One of the first things you learn in counselling training is the necessity of 'congruence', which roughly translated is about being honest and being your true, authentic self in front of clients - not putting on a front.
So from the start, honesty and openness is promoted as 'the way' to be a counsellor. Which gets confusing when, as an autistic person, you discover that 'honesty' isn't quite what you'd imagine it to be. In fact, to me, if feels as if neurotypicals rarely say what they mean. Thus, even a statement like "Be honest" has to be filtered through my experience of what people actually mean, rather than what the words seem to mean.
For example, a tutor may ask me to say what I think about the course. This is a potential trap - what if I said everything I actually think, including the things which I know are probably unfair, just passing thoughts, or a faulty impression.? I wouldn't want to be unfair or unkind! But if I only say the good stuff, that won't come across as truthful (and probably isn't entirely). So clearly some negative statements are expected. It is hard to steer an appropriate course.
The irony, of course, is that few neurotypicals are aware of their 'lack of honesty' - it is second nature, mostly unconscious and invariably done for the best of motives.
Being that 'honest' is contrary to other counsellor values about mutual respect, empathy, unconditional positive regard etc. But it is confusing for an autistic person to work out how 'honest' is honesty?
I recently met a very experienced counsellor who had come a cropper with an autistic client on the issue of honesty. The story I relay is a dramatization of the actual conversation. I've had to take a few liberties to disguise identities and also because unlike this counsellor, I am not experienced (so any errors are probably mine). This counsellor is mostly person-centred, using a few other techniques eclectically.
His client arrived and sat down. They exchanged the usual pleasantries and basic 'contract' (all the stuff about fees, cancellation policy, confidentiality etc) and then the counsellor said, "What would you like to talk about today?"
The client frowned. "I don't know. What am I supposed to talk about?"
The counsellor, putting his best Person-Centred hat on said "Well it's up to you. You can talk about anything you want to talk about."
So, the client said "OK".
The counsellor sat back, expecting to hear about the client's 'presenting issue'. Instead, the client launched into a detailed critique of Netflix Star Trek versus the original TV series.
He tried to waylay the client subtly. "I was hoping you'd talk a little more about how you are feeling..." he said.
"This is about my feelings!" the client exclaimed. "I'm feeling upset about what Netflix have done to Star Trek!"
"OK, so you're upset?" the counsellor reflected. He admitted to me he had been hoping that the client was using Star Trek as some kind of metaphor or symbol for his emotional issues. The client, however, hadn't read the memo.
"I'm upset about..." he began, listing in detail (as only an autistic person can do detail) his grievances with the new show's writers. Realising half an hour had gone by and he'd so far only learnt about Star Trek, the counsellor tried to explain how counselling was 'supposed' to work, in a very person-centred way.
He added, by way of explanation, "You see, I don't know much about Star Trek..."
Which was fatal, as the client then felt he had a duty to educate the counsellor about Star Trek lore (this is what talkative autistics like me do if someone says they don't know something - fix the 'problem' of them not knowing).
By this point, the session was so far off beam from client or counsellor's typical expectations that the counsellor was forced to jump out of his client-lead, Person-Centred model and actively interrupt the client.
"I think we need to go back a few steps and talk about what your expectations are for counselling, and what I can offer you," he said. And then he had to explain his methodology, in more detail than he generally had to do for his students, let alone a client.
The client asked a lot of questions about his approach, the pitfalls, the counsellor's expectations and clarified "So when you said I could talk about anything, you didn't actually mean that?"
The counsellor was forced to admit, he really didn't. "So, what should I talk about?" said the client.
Picking at random from the original referral form, the counsellor asked the client about his anxiety issues. "Ah well they got worse after an incident at work. Would you like me to tell you about it?" said the client.
"Yes," said the counsellor, "I think that would be a great place to start".
***
I share this story because it perfectly illustrates how neurotypical 'honesty' is framed by expectations and limits that autistic people cannot take for granted. Low support need people like myself do not have low support needs because we don't think this way. We are not neurotypical. We have low support needs because we're learned to 'translate' what is said, into what is meant.
So, when I'm in college and they say "Be honest. Say what you really think", please don't blame me if I think "No way".
Because "what I really think" is probably ephemeral, or irrelevant, or inappropriate, or the verbal equivalent of an intrusive thought. The world is not generally ready for autistic levels of honesty.
So, can I be honest? If you say yes, don't be surprised if you get it with both guns blazing.
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