A few years ago, a group of autistic friends and myself were joking "Just be yourself" as probably the single, worst piece of advice to give an autistic person.
The very fact we were laughing about it shows just how much we colluded with our own oppression - that the very idea of an autistic person just being themselves, their authentic, genuine self (what counsellor types call 'congruent') without any social 'masking', was ludicrous to us.
And even now, autism discussion sites are lively with discussions of how to 'get through' job interviews, how to disguise our autism when on a first date (so as not to scare the would-be romantic partner off), how to talk to social services so they don't think you're a danger to your children... and most common of all, how to not get fired because management feel you're just 'not a good fit'.
You can wave the Equality Act 2010 in people's faces all you like - it's a fact of autism life that we are constantly told, virtually from birth, "Act like this, don't act like that..." which roughly equivalates to "Don't act autistic".
And if you are fired from your job, it won't be because you're autistic, it'll be because of the 'but', "You're autistic, but the real problem is you wind up the team" or "You're autistic, but it's because you can't show initiative - you have to be told exactly what to do, which is too much to expect" etc.
As well as the social communication problems I'm describing here, it is important to remember that autism often carries with it difficulties in organisation (executive dysfunction difficulties) and sensory integration difficulties. All of those must be covered up or worked around if we are to be 'accepted'.
Pretending to be Normal
And what if we break the rules? Because, let's be honest, most of us on the autism spectrum can't actually do this 'Pretending to be Normal' (to quote the title of Liane Holliday-Willey's excellent book on autism). I can do it for a job interview - but an hour into the first working day, it's all gone.
What happens is that all the 'acceptance' we may expect or be promised, turns out to be extremely conditional. Most often, its minor stuff like complaints you aren't showing initiative at work (not knowing the unspoken rules is a major problem); you're 'stand-offish' if you're an introverted autistic, 'too in-your-face' if you're the gregarious sort; even that your odd behaviour is alarming or threatening to people. At its worst, you may be bullied, even physically.
To make matters worse, our social naivety and lack of social understanding often means autistic people don't even realise we are being unfairly criticised or bullied - going back to my comment on 'colluding in our own oppression', many of us have introjected the idea that we are the cause of the problem and that it is perfectly reasonable for people to get tired or annoyed at us.
So why did my friends laugh at the idea of being ourselves? Because our experience is that that is an extremely dangerous thing to be. What is more, we are told endlessly that our behaviour is 'worrying' or even 'threatening' to people.
Many autistic people are also exceptionally, emotionally sensitive (it's a myth that we don't have empathy). We pick up emotions in the room - but because of autism we may not know how to process those emotions, how to understand where they are coming from... but we quickly work out that people are reacting negatively to our autistic behaviour or way of being. Ever the problem-solvers, and not wanting to cause others distress, we may conclude that the solution involves either 'faking it' (masking our autism) or removing ourselves from the room.
Social avoidance is one method commonly used by autistic people. But there's a difference between liking your own company, and believing that since you cause people distress, you must be alone. The alternative is trying to 'fit in' in other ways: masking, appeasing, trying to be that perfect colleague or perfect friend to try to sooth others into acceptance. Both behaviours come from fear.
Unachievable Conditions of Worth
I was reading an excellent literature review by Lisa Cromar, the other day, written from a Person-Centred perspective which includes the statement that autistic people are "often subjected to largely unachievable, externally imposed conditions of worth" (which for those of you not familiar with the Person-Centred approach means that acceptance is conditional on them achieving things they can't achieve).
So, in other words, autistic people are told we have to behave a certain way to be accepted. But we aren't told the 'rules' of that behaviour (the more obvious stuff, yes, but so much is cultural and hidden, and changes according to obscure context). So we are trying to perform a dance, but we don't know the steps.
So, for example, one 'rule' I learned was that people like it if you show an interest in them. But apparently, what I did was interrogate people! How do you find the balance between 'showing interest' and 'interrogation'?
And there is also the 'rule' that people like it if you are an open, and friendly person. In other words, you also have to tell them about yourself. But 'telling them about yourself' has very strict boundaries, context-dependent, so as not to break the first rule. So, for example, this does not include information on my sex life, my toileting habits or interesting medical procedures I might have had. And I've got to balance this with showing an interest in the other person - how do we time our interactions to allow space for each other?
Going back to the emotional sensitivity, I often pick up that my behaviour or presentation is causing people some distress or confusion (I can't be sure which). I notice that people avoid me in breaks, don't want to swap email addresses, don't seem keen to work with me in group exercises... Sometimes it hurts. Other times I feel compassion for them - I can be a bit too much for people to cope with sometimes. They aren't nasty or unkind, just not used to me.
To be honest, I don't really know where I'm going 'wrong', and in the past, that would have distressed me. I would have researched and investigated, developing hypotheses of what I could do to correct the 'problem'.. and giving myself a literal nervous breakdown in the process. It is exhausting having to cover-up your true self all the time.
The Congruent Autistic
I have often written in my study journals, during counselling training, that I wonder what a congruent autistic would look like? What would I look like if I were entirely congruent? (ie my authentic self). The answers are probably not what my tutors wanted to hear!
If I were congruent, my social skills would be significantly worse. People would no doubt be alarmed at some of the things I said. My ability to have a mutual conversation, especially in groups, would be significantly impaired. Working in groups is an essential part of counselling training which is also the very worst part about it for me - in my autism utopia, I'd learn at the feet of a master (of any gender), one to one, until I was able to practice independently. But for now, that's not what the CPCAB [my exam board] would go for, I suspect.
I'd be even more outspoken than I am now. Some days, no one else would get a word in edgeways - except in skills practice or actual counselling, when probably because the communication is boundaried and the rules explicit, I have zero problem sitting and listening. I'd challenge my classmates and colleagues about whatever came into my head. Pretty much like this blog, actually. I would start a conversation about social justice as you came into work at 8am with a hangover, perhaps; or I'd argue with you, passionately, in a way that might look like I'm annoyed with you (but probably aren't); and when I was distressed or stressed, I would simply walk away.
Unless, of course, there were clear rules about my interaction, and then I'd be fine. Lots of neurotypicals [non-autistic people, in this context] believe that there are clear rules when there aren't. For instance, I've just been on a training course with about 15 people. We had class discussions in which questions were asked and participants invited to respond. I spend the entire two days worrying I contributed too much but being torn because I felt I had useful things to say. It was an excellent course, but this was the reason I was a wreck each evening.
But for some exercises, the trainer pointed to individuals and invited them to speak. That was bliss for me - I just spoke when I was pointed to, with no anxieties about whether it was appropriate or not. Life would be so much easier if there were more explicit rules about interactions!
Finding the balance
Clearly, I cannot act as if social rules didn't exist and just take over every conversation and completely ignore the needs of those around me.
The word 'autism' is, I believe, from the Greek meaning 'within oneself'. It is not true of most of us to say we are 'locked in our own world' and it is not that most of us are selfish or completely egocentric. It is more that the sensory overload and overly busy mind form an internal barrier that can be hard to break out of - it's like trying to have a conversation in the middle of Piccadilly Circus in rush hour!
So, either we just retreat to our inner world, which is safe and comfortable (albeit a bit lonely) or we smash our way out, externalising that 'noise' by metaphorically shouting at the world.
For me, finding congruence is about finding that balance between what would be most comfortable to me (letting it all hang out) and what 'works' in our neurotypical, not-very-autism-friendly world. But part of that is the realisation that for years, I've spoken and written about how to help autistic people 'pretend to be normal' - I've been trying to change us to fit in with you. That needs to change. Neurotypicals need to meet us halfway, and not make your acceptance of us conditional.
Counselling Behind the 'Mask'
If you are a counsellor or therapist, don't expect your autistic client to 'drop the act', to show you their authentic self. The mask isn't living in denial, it isn't self-deception, it is a self-protection that we need to survive. And even if you succeed in persuading your client to trust you, that you will not judge them, that you like them (which is a more radical concept for most autistic people than it should be), your client still has to go out into that autism-hostile world and survive.
In my view, the work with your client should be about finding spaces where they can drop the mask, safely, without horrible, negative consequences. Initially, hopefully, with yourself (the therapy room is the ideal place for such experiments) but then maybe with their friends and family. It is hard to make true friends when you are not your true self, but those 'excessive conditions of worth' may make it difficult for the autistic client to ever believe that. So, you have to be the person they can try that out on.
This means you have to have to be secure in yourself (dare I say 'congruent'?) - you can't feel threatened that they know more than you, that they challenge your training, or your methodology, or display extreme scepticism. Autistic people get told a lot of stuff that we don't experience to be true - but we are frequently not listened to.
I am reminded of a conversation I had with Prof. Simon Baron-Cohen a while back. He's a leading autism researcher and neuropsychologist. At that time, he was working on diagnosing people as part of his research. He told me he became entirely used to patients turning up with a huge stack of research papers, quoting him back at himself, and quoting academic rivals, and being quite combative, as he tried to diagnose them!
The fact is, able autistic people often have the gift of phenomenal rote memory, are able to find patterns in a way many neurotypicals envy, and if your client is autistic in this way, you will never be the expert in the room. Better get comfortable with that fact.
You may also have to be questioning about everything you thought you knew about body language and facial expression. We may have 'blunt affect' (very little facial expression), we may appear angry (if you don't know us) when particularly passionate about something (a lot of us get very passionate about our interests), we may appear depressed when we're perfectly fine.
On the other hand, we may appear perfectly fine when we're not. I tend to show little if any outward signs of distress so even my therapist of two years didn't spot it. So it is important to ask, to check in with your client, without making assumptions e.g. "How are you feeling?" not (as has happened to me) "Why are you so angry?"
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So, in summary, how can I 'just be myself' in a neurotypical world? By doing it, but also educating those around me to understand my autistic behaviour so that they no longer find it scary and intimidating. This blog is one means.
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